Thursday, April 5, 2012

Rules of Facebookery

Not getting enough attention on Facebook? Do you put a lot of time and thought into your posts, only to have nobody give a shit about them? That probably means you're a normal person and we just aren't that interested in every little thing you do, but we both know you won't take that lying down. If you're a particularly lazy attention whore, just pick any one of these methods and run with it.

1. Pretend to be an aloof hardass. Start telling everyone you don't give a fuck. Post it as often as possible in regards to any situation, no matter how major or minor the given situation is. This is important, because people who don't give a fuck spend every waking moment telling you about how many fucks they don't give on the regular. If anyone tries to point out that saying you don't give a fuck must mean you do, tell them they're trying too hard. Throw in a YOLO for good measure.

2.  Be really vague about how good your life is, or be even more vague about future developments. Examples include: "making moves." I don't need to include any more examples than that, because this one in particular is perfect. There's a noun and a verb, no subject. Anything or anyone within your vicinity could be making moves for all your friends know. And nobody's ever going to ask you what moves you're making, because they don't wanna get into a whole thing with you, man. Use people not caring about your life to your advantage.

3. Share as many memes as possible. They never get old, people love them, and you can show off that you clearly have the best taste in comedy. If you're feeling adventurous, just take the same phrasing used in the Condescending Wonka meme(Oh, you spent two weeks over at XX? Tell me about how you've always been into YYing). Alternatively, make your own inside joke memes, because inside jokes are only good if people are around to not get them.

4. Rage out at something insignificant, then suggest the offenders be brutally murdered. Example: All the Android users started making accounts on instagram, those motherfuckers should have their intestines cut out and shoved down their own throats. Assure your friends that you're serious.

5. If you own Apple products, never shut the fuck up about them, include yourself anywhere you might be able to bring them up. Argue with everyone that you know(also people you don't) that your iPhone is the pinnacle of technological advancement. Be as fanatical as possible, your only counter-argument should be "pfffff." If someone brings up a good point, derail the conversation and talk about taking it to the Apple Store to get it fixed/replaced/whatever they do. Be as belligerent and smug as you can.

6. Post statuses that show off how desperately lonely you are. Tell everyone that you want "someone to cuddle with," or "someone that knows you're worth it." If you're dealing with any kind of physical pain or discomfort, make sure you include this information as well, to ensure that your friends know you can't handle a stomach ache without telling the world your story.

7. Take the moral high ground by elaborating every detail of an extremely personal altercation. Include no names, but talk about how much you hate drama, how over this you are, and how their dishonest attempts to start shit will not succeed. The advantage of this is getting your side of the story out first, even if it's the only side people ever see. Because they have no idea who the fuck you're talking about, they will have to believe you!

8.  Late at night, post "Is anyone awake? I can't believe I can't sleep lol how strange it's almost like I'm some sort of insomniac it's like 3 am lol!" Then, like the statuses of people who are also awake, but don't talk to them, or else you'll seem desperate. In fact, if anything you do on Facebook leads to a substantial conversation, you've already fucked up.

Bonus: For The Ladies

9. If you're not the most attractive woman/not in the best shape, develop a reputation for the insanely high standards you have. While making no actual attempts to improve yourself, continue to announce your demands in public on a daily basis. Instead of taking pictures that show you as you are, take close up shots at odd angles to make your entitlement look at least somewhat justified(bump up the contrast to hide those blemishes, all the stress of living a lie must really be hell on your pores).

Bonus: For The Bros

10. If you aren't getting any girls, if your lack of a future is being seen as a "turn-off," then your best bet is to display your insecurity as overtly as you can. Shirtless pictures? Hell yeah. Status about a jam session? Go for it. Did good this semester? Let everyone know your GPA. Make sure you talk about how much it sucks to be hungover, how much weed you smoke, or how hard you hit it at the gym. Take pictures of your car and talk about waxing it. Make fun of people for being way into 90's stuff, then reference The Water Temple, because chicks love pretending to love Zelda. Use the news apps so people think you care about current events, and after that, post a picture of your attempt at a french inhale. Nice.

Remember everyone, there is nothing more rewarding than having a Facebook that is a monument to yourself.